Funeral and Wake.

Well, my mother once again wins Worst Parent Ever Award with flying colors.  She tried to get me up to go to Danielle’s funeral today and I refused.  She then proceeded to launch into a rant about how that would make her look and what she was supposed to tell Danielle’s mom about where I was.  Are you fucking kidding me?  And then she made some kind of comment about being an adult and doing the right thing.  Yes.  Make me feel even more shitty than I already do.  Thank you.  That’s so fucking helpful.  Don’t mind the fact that your kid is sincerely fucked up over her friend dying…Just worry about what people will think of you.

Why should I go?  I went to the wake, I hugged her mom, her cousin, our friends.  I cried the whole time.  It was awful.  I was so much less prepared for that than I thought I was.  I showed my support.  Enough of this supporting her family bullshit…What about me? Why should I go to this thing that’s going to tear me apart even worse?

The wake was so horrible.  Videos and pictures of her everywhere…Her scrapbook project that we had to make in middle school for Mrs. Kukla’s class.  Her handwriting.  Her artwork.  And her.  I never saw this girl once without a smile on her face, laughing and talking and bubbly.  It was the worst feeling yet to see her laid out, beautiful blue eyes closed forever, no smile on her face.

I’m crying again just thinking about it.  I’m so sick of crying.

I’ll go to her grave someday…But not right now.  I can’t do it right now.  I can’t watch them put her in the ground.  I just can’t.

 

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My Goals.

“This is one dream I mean to cling to.”
–Vianne Rocher, Chocolat

Things that are struck through are completed. Things in italics are works in progress.  Things in bold are ongoing – things I want to continue to do throughout my life.

-Understand football.
-Try absinthe.
-Write something in wet cement.
-Have a kitchen garden and houseplants.
-Get a fireproof box for my important documents.
-Do something dirty in an elevator.
-Learn to belly dance.
-Write by snail mail.
-Re-learn embroidery.
-Complete a 365 photo project.
-Learn how to drive a stick shift.
-Get a tattoo.
-Go on a cruise.
-Send a message in a bottle.
-Take a long roadtrip with my camera.
-Whiten my teeth.
-Ride in a taxi.
-Cut my own hair.
-Have a bonfire on the beach.
-Sleep under the stars.
-Take a photography class.
-Play board games.
-Speak Spanish fluently.
-Speak French fluently.
-Roast marshmallows in the backyard.
-Learn to play the harmonica or the cello.
-Rediscover my violin.
-Try surfing.
-Hear someone’s life story.
-Buy my dream camera.
-Go camping with my children.
-Learn how to hot-wire a car.
-Compile recipes from all my greatest friends and family.
-Give blood.
-Sew a quilt.
-Knit a blanket.
-Coach a youth softball team.
-Adopt pets from a rescue or shelter.
-Bake Christmas cookies.
-Become CPR/first aid certified.
-Vote.
-Learn the tarot cards.
-Try out a hypnotism CD.
-Learn to whistle with my fingers.
-Dye my hair a crazy color.
-Build something out of wood.
-Take a martial arts class.
-Break a bone.
-Recognize at least ten constellations.
-Own an economical car – hybrid, fuel cell, or ethanol.
-Learn how to read palms.
-Stretch every morning.
-Open a checking account.
-Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.
-Take a ballroom dance class.
-Bake home-made bread every weeken.
-Keep up with politics, foreign affairs, and other current events.
-Learn to knit.
-Bartend.
-Get back into cross-country skiing in the winter.
-Have a wrap-around porch and a porch swing or a rocking chair.
-Go to a strip club.
-Study abroad.
-Try new recipes.
-See the aurora borealis.
-See the Cirque Du Soleil.
-Be a tourist in my own town.
-Have garage sales.
-Go skinny dipping.
-Get business cards.
-Get my allergies tested.
-Go on a whale-watching boat.
-Barrel race.
-Do cartwheels.
-Re-learn how to shoot a rifle.
-Play pool and darts well.
-Learn how to rig a fishing pole.
-Make an ofrenda for Day of the Dead.
-Go clubbing.
-Go paintballing.
-Build a treehouse.
-Go to a concert.
-Light a candle for someone.
-Get a massage.
-Write a letter to the editor.
-Start a horse from scratch.
-Press flowers.
-Get a pedicure.
-Plant a tree.
-Fly a kite.
-Roast marshmallows in the back yard.
-Go apple-picking.
-Go to the drive-in.
-Ride a bicycle built for two.
-Catch fireflies.
-Build a snowman.
-Go sailing.
-Have a bird-feeder.
-Listen to Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have A Dream”.
-See a bullfight.
-Roll my own sushi.
-Listen to classical music.
-Ride a mechanical bull.
-Get into UrbEx.
-Own my own horse.
-Wear earrings.
-Lose my virginity.
-Learn how to jump start a car.
-Establish a good credit rating.
-Be a regular somewhere.

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Danielle.

I got a phone call today during my art class from Kelly B.  I knew it was something bad, right away.  Her calling me.  Last time, it was Max commited suicide.  The time before that it was Hannah P calling about Chelsey’s parents. This time…Danielle.  Danielle, my best friend through some of the roughest parts of my life.  She died in a car accident.  It happened Monday morning…she swerved to miss something in the road.  They’re not sure what.  The car rolled…Massive head injuries, coma, brain death.  Her body lives on with the aid of life support while they sort out what fortunate souls are going to receive her healthy organs.

I’m still in shock.

My last conversation with her involved me telling her that I’d found her on Twitter, but that she hadn’t posted anything since March.  Her response was…”I know!  I signed up but couldn’t find anyone I knew, so I never used it!  Now I will update constantly just to keep you informed of everything you don’t wanna know!  Danielle is pop-locking…is pooping…is having sex…is chewing steak, got her period, hasn’t showered in a week, blowing her nose…can’t stop itching…”

I miss her so much already.

I decided to write her a long letter and then burn it.  I know she’d appreciate the gesture, understand it. I wish I believed in heaven or spirits.  I wish I believed that she really could read it when I sent it up in smoke.  Maybe I’ll just cling to a secret hope that she got it, somehow.

I had to buy a lighter.  I went behind this building where they have lines of blank tombstones smooshed together, waiting to be engraved with birth, death, and identity, plopped on fresh grave plots.  My own private funeral.  I burned the letter and listened to Tom Petty’s “It’ll All Work Out”, which is what just happened to come up on my mp3 player when I stopped the car.  I saved a scrap of the envelope that didn’t burn up.  Part of her name, in cursive.

I love you, honey.  I’m so sorry you’re gone…

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Polyamory.

What is polyamory?  Loving many…Loving freely.  It sounds like a great thing…But is it possible to love too much?  Too easily?

Polyamorists throw love around, bend it to their own definition.  But does it devalue love to use it with such ease? Does love become diluted?  Spread thin?

How meaningful is it to be loved by one who loves many?  How special can it possibly be when you’re second, third, fourth on the list.  Doesn’t it make you less special?  Less attractive?  Or are you still essentially just as special and valuable and attractive, no matter how many people are seen the same way?

I just want one.  I want to be number one.  I want to be someone’s favorite.

P.S. I don’t mean this to be offensive to any polyamorists…It’s just me trying to figure out how I feel about it.

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Household Pests – Part II

May I just say I find it seriously disturbing when people are walking their kids around on leashes?  Currently, this woman’s kids are running around her ankles and tangling her in the leashes.  If you’re gonna put ‘em on leashes you’d damn well better teach them to heel.  I know dogs with better manners.

Also, why the hell can’t I find a job?  It’s not for lack of trying.  I’ve applied so many places I’ve lost count.

And the bitches I live with have been consistently causing more problems.  The other day they hid the lid to Nisha’s coffee mug.  Then, they were loudly complaining about us downstairs when we were right upstairs.  They think that I put up my rape awareness poster as some kind of “threat” to them.  It says “Alcohol – the original date rape drug…Say no while you still can.”  LOL  I just think it’s funny!  But they think I put it up because they’ve drank in the house a couple times…I could give a shit about that.  What I do give a shit about is that they are still causing issues when there’s nothing actively going wrong at this point.  That Sam cunt wrote on Facebook about using up all the hot water so “THEY” (Nisha and I) wouldn’t have any when we wanted to shower.  Very mature, no?  And very intelligent, since we’re all friends on Facebook and we can all read each others’ posts…Moron.  Not to mention it was in vain because we’d both showered that morning, lmao.

In the ongoing saga of my recycling crusade, Sam has apparently purchased recycling bins and thinks that I’m going to reimburse her for them.  Like hell.

OH!  I forgot to mention!  Sam and Ashley (head bitches) have been writing their names on all of their food, right?  ‘Cause they’re really paranoid about people stealing it.  Recently, they’ve started…instead of writing “Sam and Ash” like before…”S’MASH”.  I am not shitting you.  They’ve abbreviated their names into some kind of celebrity dating pet name.  What the ever-loving fuck?

It’s reassuring to know how much more intelligent I am than they are.

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Fall Break ‘09.

Mary’s heeeere!

Oooh, we had so much fun.  We took a bike ride around campus.  We watched “Thelma and Louise”, which I think is pretty iconically “Jess and Mary”.  lol  We went down Main Street and stopped at Trends, this cute little accessories shop.

Then, we drove down to Columbus and stayed with Annie’s family.  I knew Mary would love them…They’re so therapeutic.  Good for the soul.  We stayed an extra day, played games, snuggled kitties, cooked and ate delicious food, and had some very good talks.  I missed her so much.  I really do love her to pieces.

Also, picking her up at the airport was far less of a big deal than expected.  I stress myself out so much over nothing.

Can’t wait for next summer when we get our apartment togetherrr!

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Household Pests.

So, I’ve been having problems with this ignorant little bitch that I live with.  Sam.  We had a whole big ordeal with her leaving her dishes in the sink.  She denies, to this day, that they were hers, but we each have different sets of dishes and they were her set, so…

Honestly, I think I got a little depressed yesterday simply because I hadn’t had a chance to stand up against this asshole girl yet o.O

I had set up a recycling box for people in the kitchen and asked that everyone rinse out any containers they recycle.  The one and only person who never actually rinses out her shit is this girl Sam.  She’s also the stupid whore that left her dishes sitting in the sink for a week, although she still denies it.  So, the other day, she left a note on a pizza box that said, “We have ants”.  I haven’t seen a single goddamn ant.  I’m in that kitchen way more than she is.  And so I flipped the box over and wrote, “We also have gnats!  Imagine that.”  She and her boyfriend took my recycling boxes and threw them away.

So, I was ready to wring her scrawny little neck for that.  Fucking bitch.  Touching my shit.  Instead, I told her she should have come and talked to me about it further like a mature adult rather than throwing it away behind my back like a passive-aggressive little child.

Now they’re trying to get us to go to a “house meeting” and getting all pissy because I refuse to acknowledge it.  Why should I voluntarily sit down so they can attempt to gang up on me?  No, thank you.

I’m sure there’s more to come.  Batten down the hatches.

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The Pulse.

So…I don’t think I’ve written about this yet.  I’m the new photographer for my school’s weekly newspaper, The Pulse.  Anyway, I’ve had one photo published on the front page a couple weeks ago and this weekend I had an assignment to get some shots at the Family Weekend events out at the Western and English farms.  I got some really great shots!  I was so excited.

And…I missed the deadline.  I had forgotten to give the head editor my phone number and he couldn’t get ahold of me by email because my net’s been all fucked up.  So I missed the deadline.  I’m so disappointed.  Now these really nice photos I got aren’t going to be seen by anyone but me.  Although, he said they may use them on the website instead…

In other news, I just made the most amazingly delicious dinner…Baked lemon-thyme chicken, roasted butternut squash, and sauteed mushrooms.  It turned out perfect.

Why did I have to miss that fucking deadline?

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Another Barn Crisis.

I’m having a breakdown about the barn again.  I don’t want to do it.  It’s actually going really well this semester and now I woke up this morning and I just…I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to deal with it.  I don’t want to have a career in this.  I just want to have my own horse someday, not deal with other people’s horses.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Just have a degree in Equine Business Management?  What the hell good is that gonna do me?

—

I just talked to Robin K, who’s one of the Equine/Pre-Vet advisors, but isn’t technically mine, and she was extremely helpful.  She said from what she’s hearing mye heart isn’t in it and I’m unhappy.  She suggested adding an Animal Science major or upping my Sociology minor to a major and having Equestrian Studies as just a minor instead.  So, next semester I might just be taking two days a week of riding classes.  Which I think will be much, much better for me.  I don’t want to train horses.

—

Talked to Steve Brown this morning and told him I’m dropping.  I feel terrible now ’cause he was much more disappointed than I expected.  I know that this is the right decision for me, though.  The only time I can see myself needing this information is if, someday, I decide to break out my own horse.  In which case, I may wish I’d done this.  But not at this level and intensity.  It’s just not worth the amount of effort…

It’ll be okay.  I’m gonna see about adding a sociology major.  Perhaps taking some online courses at ECC over the summer.  It’ll be okay.

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Miss Barlnk Rumer.

I got my horse assignment on Tuesday.  She’s a three year old, halter-bred paint mare named Penny.

Ears not up, but still a cute picture :)

The first day all we did was walk around the arena to see how she behaved, get her out, check her leading skills.  She was good, for the most part.  A little looky and a little pushy and a little fresh, but good, overall.  I went back later and worked on lateral flexion from the ground in the stall, handled her whole body with the stick and string and my hands.  Picked up all four feet, lifted her tail.  She could give a damn, really.  She’s pretty relaxed.

Wednesday I sacked her out in the stall, groomed her head to foot, messed about with her ears, put all my saddle pads and blankets on her, flopped the saddle around by her.  She’s very inquisitive, but a little aggressive.  She seems to get more frustrated than frightened.  We also lunged in the arena first, which was different from last year when they shoved us out into the round pens right away.  I always thought that was a little odd, especially with the construction going on last year.  Anyway.  She’s lunged before, being that she’s showed and has halter points, but she’s not the greatest at it.  She understands that she needs to move forward on a circle, but when we switch directions she always wants to run over top of me, so that’s something I’m working on.  Also, I’m going to put a dead-stop “woah” on this horse if it’s the last thing I do.  I want her to plant those feet the instant I say “woah”.  For sure.

Today we were out in the roundpens the first time and she did just fine.  Sacked her out out there with a feed sack and saddle pad, worked on some more flexion, set her loose and joined up, which is always fun.  The knowledge that they want to come to you and be near you is very thrilling.

I feel like I’m kind of wasting time though.  She’s ready to be saddled.  I want to push this year.  Last year I took my time too much and this year I’m ready and they’re not letting me go, lol.

My head hurts pretty badly right now, so I’m not too interested in elaborating at the moment…I’m really suffering from these allergies.  They’re killin’ me.  The barn would be a joy right now if it weren’t for that.

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